


Girl Meets True Self

by evrythingo_kay



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/M, Inside the mind of Maya Hart, POV Maya Hart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-15 01:07:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20857694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evrythingo_kay/pseuds/evrythingo_kay
Summary: "She can’t for the life of her understand it, but she stops grabbing his shirt. She hasn’t rebelled from anything in a while for fear of feeling his gaze on her and liking it. Her clothes have become more reserved as if hoping to disappear inside of them. Suddenly, it’s not like she’s bursting out of a whirlwind of Maya anymore, but trying not to be seen. Trying not to impose on Riley’s… anything. Riley, who has never once taken from her, but always given. Riley, who could never dream of being wronged by the blonde haired girl."





	Girl Meets True Self

**Author's Note:**

> hey!! so I wrote this for my own kicks cause I missed the show and thought I'd share.
> 
> sorry about the punctuation!!!! I know that always pisses me off but this was just supposed to be maya's innermost thoughts. not to be taken super seriously at all. so yeah, here's... this.

Maya’s world looks like this: 

There’s Riley, reining ball of unperturbed sunshine,

Farkle, the genius mastermind with a heart of gold,

Zay, the Texan, and now resident New York comedian, with a heart of gold,

And, most abruptly, Lucas, who she teases for being a goody-two-shoes, but all in all, he’s just good. Some could even argue that he’d be the hero in pretty much any story. 

Maya, disdainfully (not really), sees this better than anyone. In fact, she sees it from the very first time she lays eyes on him, and immediately nominates him as a prize for her personal ray of sunshine, and best friend, Riley Matthews. 

And things are fine. Riley has instant moon eyes for Random Subway Boy who soon becomes the girl’s and Farkle’s loyal confidant, and Lucas returns them in stride. He loves the way Riley shines in the same way everyone loves it, and takes pride in the fact that, sometimes, she seems to be shining just for him. 

Maya watches on with wisdom and divinity, of course. 

Except, Lucas might be the final thing to nudge Maya fully out of her rebellious stage and into Lala Land, where her ass does definitely not belong. Not if her past, present, and, presumably, future have anything to say about it. 

Maya, who comes from a home that’s broken beyond repair. 

Maya with the AWOL mother, who’s swiftly trying to reintegrate into her life, and Maya lets her because she’s the forgiving type, she doesn’t have the energy to be eternally disappointed in two out of two parents, and she really could use the support as long as it’s being offered. 

Maya, who still has a baseball sized whole in her heart from the parent that she can’t forgive, no matter how hard she tries, if she ever did try, that is. 

Maya, who blames herself for this loss. 

Maya, who is always preparing for hurt, curve balls, and any other way that life might try to kick her down. 

Maya, who has no idea who she is or what she deserves...

Until she’s surrounded by her friends, who care about her more than words can capture, have big chunks of gold for hearts, happen to be citizens of the year, top of their class, and just so happen to count her as one of them. So maybe she does deserve them after all. 

And as she begins to scrape the surface of her own self worth, she cleans up her act a little, makes an effort to pull a brush through her hair, starts wearing more presentable clothes (courtesy of Shawn, who’s just another missing piece plugged back into her cracked and broken life), and high school is coming fast, which poses a big change for all of them, but…  


Riley would do anything for her. 

And Farkle regards her like she hung the moon in the sky (he always had).

And Smackle secretly looks at her like she’s a badass.

And Zay laughs at her jokes and takes any chance to build her up. 

And Lucas “wants her to be happy” and thinks she’s “a great artist” and wants her to “get better and be able to share it with people” and why does he keep looking at her like that?

Cowboys just have a natural twinkle in their eye, she’s decided begrudgingly. Because of course they do—like Lucas doesn’t need another perfect thing to add onto his array of perfect, cowboy-ish, niceness.

She just can’t help but scoff at the thought of him sometimes. And her thoughts stray to him pretty often.

It might be because of this that she finds herself turning her back on his light. Nevertheless, she doesn’t need it. After all, she has Riley Matthews for a friend, and that girl could cast a shadow of the sun. But maybe Riley needs someone to light _her_ world and that someone will most probably be Lucas. If fate continues to put all its eggs in Riley’s basket like it always has. 

And anyway, it seems that Riley and Maya have become opposing forces on the Lucas front, in a completely unintentional way. 

Maya will call Lucas a mocking nickname or two, maybe twist his shirt in her fist and pull him close (on completely confrontational terms) and then Lucas can simply turn around and only have to say half a sentence (if that) to put a twinkle in Riley’s eyes. 

Riley believes in Lucas _so_ much, in the same way that she believes in everyone and everything, and Maya hopes Lucas knows what a privilege that is. She really does. 

Maya also knows that he doesn’t take her name calling to heart. For some reason, she thinks he somehow knows that her intentions are pure, even if she doesn’t truly understand it herself. 

Because, for some reason, despite what they’d learned about Lucas’ past, Maya’s mockery always either hits a wall or bounces right off of him. 

And then, she finds out that Lucas called her beautiful. _Eesh_, if Maya edit the memory of when Zay said that and blur out the look on Riley’s face, she would if only for her own well-being. Her heart has never, not once, stopped like it had in that moment. 

She also thinks that maybe Mother Nature has retired and pigs are flying around because that’s the only scenario she can think of where someone like Lucas Friar sees her in any other light than the one she’s repeatedly cast herself in. The Maya Hart that mocks him, gives him a hard time, visits Snoozeville in every class except for art, and hasn’t got a single thing to believe in. 

Other than her friends. 

So for Lucas to think she’s beautiful just feels… wrong. Out of touch. Way out of the metaphorical ball park—where he would probably be playing baseball. And Riley would be found cheering in the stands as loud as she could. Farkle, complaining about the sun being out. Zay, eating as much food as he could before it threatens to burst out of his stomach. Maya… Well, she’s not really sure where she would fit into the picture. Her first instinct is to say that she’d be pissing off soccer moms with some very clever, pointed commentary, but… another part of her, that seems to be blossoming more often than not lately, makes her think that maybe she could also make up fun cheers with Riley in between the snarky commentary. 

Is that ridiculous? 

And maybe she’s starting to see the appeal of frilly clothes, not just when they’re glued to Riley, but when she’s looking in the mirror. However, she’ll admit that everytime she takes in the whole picture of herself in them, she feels a little off. She has no idea what she’s supposed to do with this feeling. 

Her whole life, she’s felt a little wrong. The only way to curb those feelings, on the days when she’s felt like bursting out of her own skin, has been to create chaos. She could stand on tables, and stage rebellions, and for a few moments she feels free because everything around her is just as messy as what’s broiling inside of her. 

And every. single. time, the repercussions have come crashing over her head and she’s left feeling even more suffocated then she had in the first place. So a new routine feels kind of good… Maybe even too good. So good that it makes her skin itch a little bit. So good that it must be temporary, all of her hard work destined to come crumbling down around her at some point. She decides to just enjoy the ride. She’s good at that.

Lucas Huckleberry Friar is not supposed to be a main attraction on that ride. Riley and Lucas are supposed to date forever and make googly eyes so she can pretend to throw up, but be happy because her friend is happy. Her Riley. But somehow along the way, things get blurry. Riley and Lucas have kept up with the googly eyes, but all of a sudden, when Maya meets eyes with Lucas across the room it feels like a river rushing at dawn. Like crickets and crackling fire. Something soothing, but with underlying chaos all at once (the chaos might undoubtedly be due to the fact that it’s oh so very _wrong_). 

She can’t for the life of her understand it. But she stops grabbing his shirt. She hasn’t rebelled from anything in a while for fear of feeling his gaze on her and liking it. Her clothes have become more reserved as if hoping to disappear inside of them. Suddenly, it’s not like she’s bursting out of a whirlwind of Maya anymore, but trying not to be seen. Trying not to impose on Riley’s… anything. Riley, who has never once taken from her, but always given. Riley, who could never dream of being wronged by the blonde haired girl. 

Only... the wrongness of keeping secrets from the one person she should be able to tell, on top of the wrongness of the secret in general, is eating Maya alive. 

Riley picks up on it like a greyhound on a mouse’s tail, and goes berserk. Maya would be so freaking proud if she didn’t feel like she was hiding a crap-ton of secrets from the Riley under her stupid, frilly skirt.

At one point, she almost feels like holding her wrists out and saying “Take me away, for I have sinned by playing this sweet, innocent, doe-eyed girl for a fool. I’m a fiend. A fiend I tell you.”

But it’s too late. 

Suddenly, it feels like “Maya likes Lucas” is posted all over New York City. It isn’t, but that’s what it feels like as Riley comes to this realization and somehow decides she needs to do something about it.

Next comes a stream of “this isn’t you” and “Maya’s broken” and Riley tells her parents and then suddenly Maya is being picked apart by the Matthews. Then, as if that isn’t bad enough, their friends catch wind of it, and all at once Maya’s plan to go unseen utterly backfires as everyone engages in a “LET’S FIND MAYA HART” parade. Led by, none other than Riley Matthews herself. 

Maya can tell how worried she is, sees it in Riley’s eyes. It makes her feel sick. 

And no matter how much she insists that nothing’s changed, she knows it’s not true herself. Maybe the guilt is why Maya lets Riley pick her apart in the way that she does. Tell her that she’s being too functional, meaning she thinks Maya’s dysfunctional.

Tell her she’s being too good, implying that Maya is fundamentally bad. 

Tell her that she’s being weak lately, submissive, although in Maya’s eyes, she’s being the strongest she’s ever been, for Riley, so that her friend doesn’t get hurt. 

It’s safe to say that it messes with her a little. 

She starts to wonder if she deserves frilly clothes or good grades or a functional life or Riley or Zay or Farkle or Smackle or a Huckleberry. 

And there is a big fat problem smack dab in the middle of everything titled: Texas. Everything had pretty much spiraled out of control from there and they’re all still boiling in the aftermath of it. 

She’s so mad at Lucas for even entertaining the idea of this ridiculous triangle; for not calling it crap and choosing Riley from that very first moment. 

She’s even more mad at herself for not declaring this outloud, for whatever reason. For being grateful that he hadn’t.

She wishes that stupid campfire had never happened. That she didn’t have to see the disapproving look on Lucas’ face the second that Riley called him her brother. That everything could start making sense again.

But most of all, without a single doubt, she hates the stupid notion that she _became_ Riley, which is one she’d dismissed and never thought about since it’d come up because it’s just so preposterous. She could never capture Riley’s light. She could never view the world as anything other than cruel. She could never ever be good enough for Lucas Friar. Not in a moral way. But hell, maybe she’s even kidding herself there, too. Maybe she isn’t good enough in any way. 

All of this combined from the last few months just makes her want to… break things. Big, important things.

_But then_, a tiny voice whispers, _you’d just prove everyone right_. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading(:


End file.
